Blake Murphy Sports Writing

Title: Review of The NBA Jam Session SuperBowl Pre-Game
Date: February 4, 2008
Original Source: The On Deck Circle
Synopsis: Before the Super Bowl, my friend Stu and I went head-to-head in a little known basketball simulation board game called NBA Jam Session. This…is our story.

A SuperBowl review is forthcoming, but tonight something much more monumental happened. In the Second Annual NBA Jam Session Pre-Game Showdown Spectacular Extravaganza of Awesomeness, I dominated Stu for the second time. I know many of you are wondering either what NBA Jam Session is or why we’re such losers, but for those in the former I shall explain. NBA Jam Session is a basketball board game simulation from the early 1990s. It is so old that the box has Stu’s Calgary phone number written inside it, where he hasn’t lived for at least a decade. No players featured in the game still play today, and the game is terribly elementary when compared to complex sports simulations we have today like Baseball Mogul or Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Stu and I drafted teams of 12 players (snake format, of course) and there is really no telling who is going to perform big for you in a one-game situation. Chemistry and long-term potential go out the window for this one-time showdown and the only rule of the draft is that you must select at least five white players, which is almost impossible. The game is played by flipping cards that show the outcomes of several actions. The first card determines possession and then you choose to pass or shoot, and the next card tells you who you passed to, if it was a turnover, etc. If you shoot, the card tells you the ‘Shot Value,’ a number from 1 to 100. Each player has a 2-point and 3-point shot rating and if their rating is higher than the Shot Value it is a basket. The game gets slightly more complex with rebounds, turnovers, and super-exciting fast break opportunities. Anyways, basically you yell at each other and your players for an hour or so, flipping cards and yelling things like “Gugs!” “Three!” and “Are you kidding me!?” while others look at you in mature disbelief. Since you probably don’t care about the specifics and really just want to know how I dominated yet again, I will get on to the gritty details.

Kingston, ON, February 3, 2008. As you can see from the box score and line score above, it was a thorough domination throughout. Not only was it a four quarter effort on behalf of Blake’s team, but there was dominance across all statistical categories.The biggest story of the game came from Blake’s side, where Reggie Miller did the impossible and broke the NBA’s single game 3-point field goals record. The Greatest Shooter of All Time hit an unprecedented 13 triples, one more than Donyell Marshall (2005) and Kobe Bryant (2003), an appropriate feat for the best shooter alive. Reggie paced the game at all times, knocking down eight in the first half and five in the fourth quarter, needing just 20 attempts to get to the record.
Asked after the game, Reggie was Reggie, simply saying, “I got hot and my teammates did a good job of getting me the ball. I got in the zone, but it was a total team effort out there.”Miller wasn’t lying about the team effort, as The Admiral managed an efficient 42 points, all of them in the paint. Shooting 20 of 24, Robinson also lead the game with six rebounds, playing almost the whole game and leading the team on the defensive end, as usual.

Coach Blake Murphy was complimentary of Robinson, “David is the best player in the league. Nobody can handle him in the paint, and you’d be hard pressed to find a better leader on and off the court.”

Chris Mullin, who played a well-balanced game with six, four, and four before going down early in the third quarter with a hamstring tweak, reiterated the statements about both players, “It’s really an honor to play with those two (Miller and Robinson). They’re two of the greatest of all time, and it makes the rest of our jobs easier.”
Stu’s team was just as cordial in defeat, and most Jam Session pundits have been surprised with the poor performance of such a stacked team. When a team shoots 80% and loses, there are clearly problems on the defensive end, and Stu’s crew had no answer for The Admiral or Reggie’s three point shooting. Likewise, Blake’s team couldn’t handle the hot shooting of superstar Tom Gugliotta, who went eight of 13 from downtown en route to a team-high 25 points. Gugs, as he is affectionately known, was not available for comment after the game, but the team-voted player of the game, Dominique Wilkins, was.

“It’s disappointing, for me to shoot 10 of 12 and we lose by 16. We have the talent and I throw down like crazy, but our guards have got to feed the post more,” said The Human Highlight Film.

Coach Stu Wilkinson was equally angry, “We shoot 80 fucking percent and get dominated. It wasn’t the boards or the turnovers either, but even Comm 08 B could have gotten points in the paint or open threes tonight.”

The coach refused further comment and then called struggling guard Thunder Dan Majerle into his office. The team has been worn down by turmoil as of late, and Wilkinson left four players on the bench for the length of the contest. Joe Dumars is working a stint in the front office while Scottie Pippen was feeling the effects of worsening arthritis. Former team captain Glenn Rice is on a conditioning stint in Stu’s D-League affiliate, Alex Pennycook’s team. The most worrisome DNP went to Latrell Sprewell, who was on a one-game suspension for conduct detrimental to the team, the second time it has happened this season.
On Blake’s side, Dell Curry was deemed not white enough for a shooter, and the team has performed better without back-up centre Patrick Ewing, who is now literally glued to Coach Murphy’s bench.

“The Ewing Theory is 100% true. Bill Simmons turned me on to it, and once I started irrationally benching superstars, the team hasn’t lost,” Murphy revealed.

This is the second year in a row Blake has dominated Stu in a game he is new to, and Blake summed up his team’s mentality with one cliche after another, finishing with, “We’re the champions ‘till we aint the champions no more.”

A rematch is expected for the SuperBowl 43 pre-game.