Blake Murphy Sports Writing

Title: Super Bowl in Review
Date: February 4, 2008
Original Source: The On Deck Circle
Synopsis: The Patriots lost their undefeated season thanks to Eli Manning and the Giants. I, like everyone else, had some opinions.

So many Eli jokes. So many Brady jokes. So many Peyton jokes. Just so many jokes! One thing that is no longer a joke is the idea of the New York Giants upsetting the New England Patriots in SuperBowl 42. Mostly an afterthought amid talks of where the Pats stand amongst all-time teams and just how big a blow out it would be, the thought of Elijah “Cadillac Hybrid” Manning winning the SuperBowl just wasn’t at the forefront of discussion.

These topics will be beaten to death in the next couple of days, so before everyone else wears you down with it, here is a nice short look at a few stories coming from last night’s Big One, which early reports indicate was the most watches SuperBowl ever.

Elijah
Eli did not play great. While the interception wasn’t his fault, his numbers were pretty pedestrian, especially for a SuperBowl MVP. The 4th quarter, though, was undeinably his, as he lead his team to two passing touchdowns across two long drives to seal the victory. The biggest warning that this wasn’t a dream was when Eli scrambled out of trouble on a certain sack and then launched a perfect bomb to David Tyree (who caught it on his head). A few plays later Plex was in the endzone following a sick shake and bake off the line of scrimmage. Eli might not have had an awesome game and his MVP award was a product of a QB-centric NFL (my vote: Tuck), but he proved something in the 4th quarter while Big Brother Peyton watched on proud: that he’ll be overrated in most fantasy drafts next year.

Tom Terrific
He’s still got money, looks, Giselle, etc. He’s still perfect, at 19-0 or 18-1, the only number you need to know for Tom is 10. A SuperBowl loss doesn’t really hurt his own personal legacy and he clearly played hurt and was upset by Moss’ inability to get open. I’m not taking the blame off of Tom, who seemed clueless on passes longer than five yards, but in the grand scheme of his life and career I don’t think this reflects too poorly on Brady.

Plaxico Burress and children everywhere
“See, kids? You don’t have to practice, be nice to the media, respect your opponents, like your teammates, or say the right things, AND you can smoke weed all the time, and you can still win a SuperBowl.” Plex didn’t have a great game but he won, and the Patriots scored even less than he predicted. Good night for him. When asked how he felt, he avoided cliche and instead explained, “I’ll have a spliff rolled before my shoulder pads come off. Fuck practice, I got a ring. I’m smoking so much weed this offseason, I don’t care if my ankle ever heals. Do you know Pacman’s phone number?” Oh yah, and he cried. I liked that though, it really doesn’t get bigger/better for a football player, so this is one of only three occasions male crying is acceptable.
The Giants’ D-Line
I hope Mastercard takes this opportunity to rip off the Brady and O-Line Visa commercials, as the D-line was the undeniable key to this game.

Chris Hanson
Used for the first time all year, he sparked a lot of bad jokes/voice impressions on my part. Check here for more.

Wes Welker
Would have had his MVP award if the Pats won. Showed himself off on the big stage for any white males aged 18-29 who weren’t yet man-crushing on him, tying Deion Branch’s SuperBowl receptions record with 11.

Bill Simmons
Ouch. That one really sucks, and he’s going to get a lot of backlash from readers and Pats’ fans for jinxing the perfect season. Can’t blame him, as they really did look unbeatable, but this is probably going to put a big kink in the mystery book he’s currently working on. Sources tell me the top-secret writing endeavor will have to change it’s name from “God Loves Boston: Three Boston Sports Champions in One Year” to “Karma is a Bitch: An Unspectacular World Series, A Lost Perfect Season, and a Kevin Garnett Injury.”

Gregg Easterbrook
Score one for Tuesday Morning Quarterback in his bitter Pats-related rivalry with Simmons. It appears, especially amidst growing Spygate speculation, that TMQ is the 2007-08 victor in the TMQ/Sports Guy NFL showdown.

Chuck Klosterman
One of my favorite writers, he penned a great piece last week on the place in history for New England, and how it would be so much more memorable if they lost. Well, I’m feeling his message even more now and can’t help but think how much better a story this is than a simple tale of dominance. I admit I wanted the Pats to win and to write about a perfect season right now, but Klosterman was correct that I’ll remember it much more this way.

David Tyree
Eli tried to give him the Cadillac and tossed him the keys, but he dropped them. Ouch.

Lawrence Tynes
Will say something controversial in the next few days to remind people that he was on the team and did not screw up last night.

Jeremy Shockey
Was drunk by halftime and I feel bad for him, as the NFL’s strange rules surrounding injured players being on the sidelines cost Shockey a great experience with his teammates, one he’ll probably never get a shot at again.

Bill Bellichek
It’s not his fault. All the practices that they taped corroborated a season’s worth of scouting confirming Eli does, usually, suck.

Peyton Manning
And a dominant commercial acting tag team is born.

Roger Goodell
“And a special note to my boy Pacman. If you’re partying tonight, holla at ya boi!”

Mercury Morris
Stays relevant for at least one more year.

Randy Moss
“Fuck.” Where does he go from here? This was his shot. He behaved all (?) season and played team ball, truly turning his character around, and it was all for naught. Now he faces the tough call of returning to the Pats for smaller money to give it a second try, or signing for big cash and deciding a ring isn’t worth it. This loss absolutely has the biggest effect on Randy and, love him or hate him, you have to feel for him.

Stu Wilkinson
Was dominated once again in the second annual NBA Jam-Session Pre-Game Showdown Spectacular Exstravaganza of Awesomeness. See here for more details.