Blake Murphy Sports Writing

Title: 73 Reasons I’m a Consumer-Whore
Date: February 12, 2008
Original Source: The On Deck Circle
Synopsis: As bad as this looked then, it’s only gotten worse as my hat and jersey collections have grown to ridiculous proportions.

“I’m a whore, you know that I’m a whore.” – Lil’ Wayne (S On My Chest)

Some people aren’t jersey people. Some people aren’t hat people. Some people don’t give in to brand names and unneccessary goods because some people aren’t complete consumer whores. Normally, I’d consider myself one of this last group, with one exception. When it comes to sports, I’m the biggest whore of them all. Worse than anyone you know, I guarantee. And that includes people who have walked the streets of downtown Kingston on a lonely Tuesday night.

Yes, when it comes to sports attire and paraphenalia, I’m a complete, utter, helpless, disgusting whore.

I own 52 hats and 21 jerseys, countless t-shirts and hoodies, and several bobbleheads, souvenires, and other trinkets. I can’t help myself. In the words of DJ Khaled and Rick Ross,

“I rep my city like a G’s supposed to.” – Rick Ross (Intro: We The Best)

But it doesn’t stop at just my city. Sure, 10 of the 21 jerseys are my favorite teams (that includes Toronto teams, the Jaguars, and the Canada jersey), and 19 of the hats are Toronto teams (again including Canada hats, Toronto teams, and the Jaguars), but that still leaves 11 jerseys and 33 hats accounted for by other teams, players, brands, etc. There is no question about it, I can’t control myself.

Throughout this article you’ll see pictures of this stuff, including several shots of jerseys and hats around my room and one shot each of all my jerseys and all my hats together. The

only pieces missing from these pictures are, in case you’re counting to check my legitimacy, my Darcy Tucker jersey (Weasel has it on loan), my grey Jays jersey (just arrived from JaysShop.com for $25), and two hats BJ picked up for me at a Lids megasale that I haven’t been home to get yet. So to try and find the root of my obsession, to figure out why I’ve spent more on hats and jerseys than I’ve spent on women, video games, movies, music, and other clothes combined (note: probably not true, but provides good dramatic effect) over the past few years, allow me to run down my gear, piece by piece, “trick by trick.”

“Weezy F Baby, for my team I rep daily, I come to the defense like Champ Bailey.” – Lil’ Wayne (Shine On)

Hats
I should disclaim here that most of these hats were gifts or very cheap finds or, the most likely scenario, from cases of beer, so I really haven’t used as much ‘scrilla’ on headgear as 52 hats would suggest. Also, of these hats only 39 are sports related. The others are a smattering of beer logos, souvenire gifts, or a Pokemon toque I found once on the walk home to 839 Johnson.

The highest concentration of hats come from the Toronto Blue Jays, an obvious choice. 7 Jays hats in total populate my top shelf including two American Eagle style hats, an old-school Jays hat, two game-day giveaway hats, a sick meshback hat and, my favorite, a very clean light grey-on-dark grey Jays hat that is a little dressier.
The next highest representation is The Raptors, throwing up two different draft-day hats, a red knit touque, and two other standard ballcaps. Unfortunately they all fit somewhat funny, except the toque, but I rep them anyways, YOU KNOW!
I then mix it up with a cacophany of teams and sports including a courteroy NHL logo hat, a few Team Canada touques, some free-in-beer team caps, a Bengals hat I took from Dave, a LeBron James hat from his rookie season (sick gift from Pops), and my two favorites: a meshback Atlanta Falcons hat that I’ve worn to work at Toyota every day for the last three summers, and an all-white Dodgers fullback that needs a wash. The two newest additions, courtest of my boy Beeg (big up yourself), are a white mesh Raptors hat and a fullback Cubs hat, and that’s why I love my homies.

“The kid’s so icy, you dont have to like me, In a throwback jersey, with the throwback Nike’s.” – Young Buck (Stuntin’ 101)

Jerseys
The jerseys need a little bit more individual explanation as they all have a special place in my heart of whores. It is here that I have to point out one key fact about my collection: all of these jerseys but one are stitched, because that’s how us players roll. First though, I should explain that my jersey purchasing comes with a curse. Of my 21 jerseys, six have caused disaster for the players featured.

Stephon Marbury was traded just weeks after I got his Suns jersey at a flea market. Eric Hinske was traded the day after I bought his jersey on clearance. Orlando Hudson was dealt the offseason after I bought his jersey. Cadillac Williams suffered a career-threatening knee injury while I was wearing his jersey. Byron Leftwich was cut by the Jaguars after I enjoyed two seasons sporting his jersey (I thought it was bad karma at the time for buying my first non-stitched jersey, but it’s clearly part of a pattern). The final move was one that actually helped the player, as long-time favorite Ray Allen was moved from the Sonics (the jersey I have) to the Celtics. In recent developments, Tom Brady’s perfect season was lost while I wore his jersey for the first time in 2007-08 and Chad Johnson has requested a trade.

My more generic jerseys are hockey ones that really need no explanation. I have a Team Canada and a Buffalo Sabres with no player on the back, and a Toronto Raptors hockey jersey (Christmas gift) that is equally bare. My new Jays jersey (it fits!) is also blank for the time being, until I decide which Jay I want to get traded next and I’ll just throw him on the back.
My collection likewise has a few easy to explain jerseys. A Roy Halladay Spring Training edition is beautiful but two sizes too big. Brady is also two sizes too big, as are Ray Allen and a standard issue Chris Bosh Raptors jersey. But there are some interesting pieces to the collection.

I own a yellow Roberto Clemente Pirates jersey I picked up at PNC Park on my roadtrip last summer, having just finished reading his biography. I own a white Michael Jordan Team USA jersey that I have never worn because it’s white and too nice to get messy. I own a Carl Crawford jersey for no apparent reason. One of my favorites is a Dwight Gooden Mets jersey, white with blue pinstripes, as he holds what, in my mind, is the greatest pitching season of all time from 1985 (yes, better than Bob Gibson’s 1968 season). I also own a sick Chad Johnson Bengals jersey that I’m looking to acquire an accompanying grill and mohawk for.

My newest jerseys, other than the Jays jersey en route, are both basketball jerseys. The first is a yellow Kevin Durant Sonics jersey that I risked buying before his rookie season started. I wore it for both my fantasy drafts, picking him too early in one and severely over-paying in a draft day trade with Stu in the other. The final, and my favorite jersey, is a Jose Calderon Raptors NBA Euro Live Tour Edition jersey, the one that is red but has the Spanish red and yellow down either side. Not only is this jersey rare, sexy, and a conversation starter, but it is also interesting for the fact that nobody ever believes me that I have Spanish roots (one grandfather is as Spanish as they come), and that’s real talk esse.
So that’s my jersey and hat collection. 73 essentially useless items, half of which don’t get worn with any regularity. Usually Sundays are for jerseys, but this semester I’ve extended it to two or three days a week since I mostly just sit around writing for the site anyways. I’ve worn jerseys on four consecutive days now (Johnson, Durant, Marbury, Gooden) because it’s almost reading week and I have no clean clothes. The hats go in and out of season for me, and right now the nice Jays hat, the Raptors toque, an Adidas toque, a Raptors ball cap, and my Cardinals fullback have all been in heavy rotation. As I edit this, I’m wearing my Dwight Gooden jersey. The toughest part of my past week was deciding which jersey to wear for QSIC’s Jersey Jam party at Joy Supper Club last Friday (I went with Jose).

So what does the future hold for me? More jerseys, hats, and bobbleheads (a developing collection)? Probably not. Even though being tight for money has never stopped me before, I have the jerseys of most of my favorite players, lacking only a Caron Butler gold Wizards jersey and an all-white Maurice Jones-Drew jersey to make me happy with the collection. I’ll always get a new hat here and there but never in mass quantity like I have before. It would seem, then, that this is nearly as impressive as my collection will get.

Until I get more money or more wall space, of course.

“Ya all y’all can see is the back of my jersey, blowin’ in the wind, goin back to Jersey, off to Brooklynn, left you back in Jersey, I was doin’ a buck 90 like a throwback jersey.” – Rza (We Pop)