Blake Murphy Sports Writing

Title: Vancouver Set to Become Portland
Date: January 16, 2013
Original Source: The On Deck Circle
Synopsis: A fake, Onion News-style article on Vancouver City Council voting to become Portland.

VANCOUVER – Vancouver City Council appears to be just hours away from officially designating the city as Portland. After a council meeting Wednesday broke down to a string of comparisons to Portland, the council decided it best to just become the Oregon city.

Mayor Gregor Robertson, in particular, was excited to rebrand Canada’s third largest city as America’s 29th largest city.

“Portland is just really, really cool,” said Robertson.

The meeting began with a proposed motion to re-produce Portland’s study on food carts, Food Cartology, for downtown Vancouver. After food cart owners and restaurant owners bickered a bit, both sides found themselves referencing Portland’s system and food culture.

From there, council members and speakers got lost in gushing about Portland.

“I’m a creative person” said Joanelle Lobsinger, owner of an anonymous restaurant. “The equalness in Portland is just totes more equal than in Vancouver.”

Mike Carter, a seemingly diametrically opposed bro to Lobsinger’s valley girl, agreed.

“Bro it’s just mad chill,” said Carter.

The council vote wasn’t unanimous, however, as Kerry Jang had some concerns about inflation in the fast food market if U.S. chains were to enter the downtown area.

“The other day I went into A&W,” said Jang. “And I ordered a teen burger combo. It was $9.52. Nine dollars. And fifty-two cents. For a teen burger combo. I just walked out and cancelled my order.”

But is he on board with becoming Portland?

“The big issue for me,” Jang explained. “Is whether wonton soup is different enough from chili chicken to necessitate separate restaurants.”

So, maybe. He was the only one undecided, though. Charles Gauthier, the executive director of the Downtown Vancouver Business Improvement Association, was excited at the chance to be head of the Portland BIA.

“Bike lanes and foot traffic,” said Gauthier. “THAT’S what Portland does.”

Councilman George Affleck had initially tabled the independent motion. Even though the issue of food carts being too close to traditional restaurants didn’t get solved, Affleck walked away happy with what he had accomplished.

“Go Blazers,” said Affleck. “Go Ducks.”